“Love is for giving. For. Giving.”
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Forgiveness
“Love is for giving. For. Giving.”
A friend said this today on a weekly group call of consciousness-minded individuals. It struck me as I have had the word forgiveness on my mind and heart for some time now. I’ve been waiting for the “right” moment to hold it up to the light.
The notion of forgiveness likely conjures some automatic response: guilt (those wrongs committed that still haunt you), anger (that someone whom you can’t possibly forgive), self-righteousness (they wronged you and that is unforgivable), or maybe gratitude (that transformative moment you experienced true forgiveness from another or yourself).
Big words come up so easily for me these days - peace, love, expansion, identity, unity - but forgiveness somehow just. . . doesn’t. I happen to know someone who doesn’t “believe in” forgiveness. A shame really, because I see it as the only way to become truly whole after being broken.
There’s two sides to the forgiveness coin - hoping to receive it or being in a position to give (or not give) it.
Which is harder for you?
Making Amends
These days I find myself in a position of asking for forgiveness and seeking to make amends. I believe this is happening a lot and all over the place. Somehow fresh or forgotten wounds are seeking the light, longing to be healed. And that might just very well mean. . . giving and receiving forgiveness is needed both on an individual and a collective level.
Gabor Mate, famed trauma expert, talks about trauma as not just something that happens TO you, but also things that SHOULD HAVE happened that didn’t. In the realm of parent-child relationship, then, it could be something like one child getting more of the attention, more love, more aid, more comfort, more more more, while the other child gets less than what they “should have” gotten. Such a deficit might just sit there unnoticed, seemingly forgotten under the auspices of “everything seems fine to me” when in fact, trauma is indeed present. Just because it’s not seen doesn’t mean it’s not there, right?
You might easily imagine then, that as a parent of children now out of the home, I’m discovering things I am accountable for and to - omissions of sorts - that have left wounds or marks in their wake. And for these things I am sorry. Consequently, Life School is presenting its lessons on asking for forgiveness and trying to make amends.
I’m finding my way slowly, slowly - like groping in the dark for a light switch. (May I receive the grace I need to find that light!)
Forgiving another
And then there’s the flip side of the coin. Holding the power to forgive or not forgive.
I’ve been asked the question: how does someone forgive? I have a feeling there is no prescriptive road to forgiveness. Each finds her or his own way. But I might be able to share a few signposts: Can you widen your focus and bring enough spaciousness to the person, self, or situation to let the possibility of forgiveness enter your space? As Atticus Finch aptly teaches his daughter Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird: “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” Sometimes it takes stepping outside of one’s own experience to begin to understand someone else, even if (or especially if) they have hurt you.
Can you practice compassion for self and others? Can you trust that what needs to be forgiven will reveal itself in the proper time? Can you trust that the process of and capacity for forgiveness is inherently within each of us?
These are the reminders I give myself when a situation calls for forgiveness. In these past years I find daily loving-kindness meditation begins to move the icky, heavy feeling accompanying such instances. With time and practice the mystery is that the view from another’s shoes comes into focus and the capacity for forgiveness emerges.
The following meditation is available as a recording here:
A Loving-kindness meditation
Place your attention and intention on YOURSELF and say: May I be well. May I be happy. May I be safe. May I be peaceful. May I be loved.
Place your attention and intention on A LOVED ONE and say: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be loved.
Place your attention and intention on AN ACQUAINTANCE and say: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be loved.
(This is the challenging one.) Place your attention and intention on SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE and say: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be loved.
Place your attention and intention on ALL HUMANITY and say: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be loved.
Place your attention and intention on ALL CREATURES and say: May you be well. May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be peaceful. May you be loved.
(Excerpt from my article Me-time to Open the Heart)
In his channeled book, I am the Word, Paul Selig includes a powerful section on forgiveness. If you are interested, press play, you will hear a short explanation and then a claim (aka. prayer) designed to unblock forgiveness that has been withheld.
(Selig 112-113)
But Why?
Why even consider allowing forgiveness? I wouldn’t be the first to answer such a question with: because it frees the one who forgives. Weird, I know. Somehow forgiving another frees YOU? The way I understand it, to be in a state of unforgiveness blocks a natural flow of life, vitality, love and energy inside ourselves. We energetically tie ourself to that person or that situation or memory, when we hold onto unforgiveness. (It’s just plain tiring, right, to be so angry, resentful, or bitter?) It’s not until expressing or experiencing forgiveness that a healthy, vital flow and lightness of being can re-emerge for the one who forgives. To be the best version of you means not being tied up in harbored unforgiveness. And think about it, that sense of being “tied up” is what it feels like - like there is no room to move, no room for change or growth, no possibility of light in that kind of darkness.
Matthew West has a song that can often bring me to tears. Its name is - no surprise here - “Forgiveness". (Do look for it on your favorite music app.) The song was inspired by a mother’s forgiveness of a young man who killed her twin daughters in a car accident. Remarkable. (See video in Resources below). Among the lyrics:
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what its power can do
So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is youForgiveness. Forgiveness.
What needs forgiveness?
Well, anything at all, really, could present itself as requiring forgiveness. Anything that stops the flow of generous energy emanating from you - toward yourself, another, or even God - signals an opportunity to take another look. Perhaps it is time to forgive a new or old or very old judgment that you have held of another or of yourself. For example, for many years I held onto judgment about a former boyfriend. For quite a long time, I disliked him and decisions he had made. My unforgiveness was evident every time “our song” came on the radio and I would quickly turn the station. But at some point I realized by holding onto those feelings, I was actually holding myself hostage - not him. He probably didn’t even remember me! The choice to forgive him was the first important step toward a greater lightness of being that I now experience when I think of him (or hear that song!)
Perhaps it is time to forgive a situation, a happening, or a choice made. The key is to realize when something or someone is making itself known to you because the potential to forgive is there. Think about it this way, every time that stupid song came on the radio and reminded me of my ex-boyfriend my response was the same: “Nope! Nu-uh! I’m not listening to that. That guy was a jerk to me and I want nothing to do with him!” I heard that silly song dozens of times over decades before one day it occurred to me, “Do I still harbor ill feelings toward this person I’ve not spoken to or heard from in decades? How silly is that? Isn’t it time to forgive?” Come to think of it, without that song entering my consciousness every now and then, I might never have decided to forgive. Somehow I needed that persistent reminder until I was ready to free myself. Forgiveness was mine to give. It was for giving.
Love is For Giving
The amazing thing about forgiveness is that it’s somehow like the threshold of a doorway. On the other side something very special awaits: wholeness and love. When all the resentment, anger, loathing, guilt and self-righteousness are cleared away, when the process of forgiveness is completed, you get to step over that threshold! Love, gratitude, compassion, self-compassion can gush forth. You feel like a brand new you. Ah! It just feels so good - so freeing. So. . . that’s why and how LOVE is for GIVING. Take a look around you, it seems to me our world could do with a generous dose of forgiveness.
As these next days and weeks unfold, maybe just pause a bit longer anytime resentment, loathing, anger, guilt, bitterness or self-righteousness arise within you. Is this the moment you, too, can choose to forgive? Or when those emotions are coming AT you, pause even longer: is this a moment you might be called upon to ask for forgiveness or to make amends? In this way, we don’t just heal ourselves, we begin to heal our world.
Resources
Selig, Paul. I am the Word: A Guide to the Consciousness of Man’s Self in a Transitioning Time (A Channeled Text). Tarcher Perigee, 2010.
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
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Writer. Gong Player. Teacher.
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All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2023 unless otherwise credited.
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Thank you!
Wise insight to forgiveness, good confirmation of why and how to forgive.
The timing for these lessons is perfect. Thank you, Darla