Cheat Sheet to Transforming Triggers

Life Cheat Sheets (5 of 7)

Brenda Brayko

Apr 28, 2023

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When was the last time you were triggered?

For me it has been awhile. But there was a time that becoming triggered was a daily thing. Long ago I remember our oldest as a toddler simply needed to “Hrumph!” and stomp his three-year old foot and I would instantly almost lose it. My face would get hot and my “blood boil.” “How dare he be so insolent!”

Those days are pretty much gone now - not only because I no longer care for a toddler, but also because I simply don’t resonate with “attitude.” But I’ll get into that a little later.

First - something more about triggers. . .

I had the good fortune of being on a five day consciousness/spiritual retreat in Maui last week. It was glorious is more ways than I can describe. One day I met someone who had been triggered and was enraged about something that someone had done to her - AGAIN. Same old tape. Same old anger. Same old. Same old.

We always have an opportunity to learn when we spot a trigger.

The circumstances just so happened to be right for me to sit with her and hold the trigger to the light. What was really going on here? I started asking her a lot of questions, because one thing I have learned about triggers is that they are VERY IMPORTANT. How so? We always have an opportunity to learn when we spot a trigger. Learn what? you ask.

Learn about YOU. And the beauty is, once you learn about you FROM the trigger, the trigger will eventually cease even being a trigger. Brilliant!

Printable Cheat Sheet

Let me explain with my new friend’s situation as a case study. I’ll call her Alice. Alice arrived at breakfast on fire with rage at an ex-husband who has failed to pay child support for quite some time. As she spoke she not only told this story but other similar stories from her past. It was almost like a review of the many times that a similar situation had occurred. In other words - a pattern was emerging. But this was a pattern she hadn’t yet recognized.

Step one: Recognize your trigger pattern.

So I gently did a bit of digging. During the course of my conversation with Alice I noticed situations of power imbalance were prevalent. She even used the words “power over me” or “had no power” or “powerless”. After sharing with Alice that I had learned over time that we are given opportunities to learn life lessons by Life Itself (and often through patterns of strife), we concluded that perhaps what was going on was that she has been (or has chosen on a Soul level) an opportunity to learn empowerment. These many triggering situations were definitely disempowering her.

Step two: Recognize what aspect of yourself the trigger is revealing. Often it is what you DON’T have that is pointing toward what you are meant to learn. (Think antonyms.)

To illustrate to Alice how Life points us toward our lessons, I shared my own story of my very first Life Lesson, which was learning patience. It was through my pattern of impatience that I finally recognized that I was in the midst of an opportunity to learn patience. (Infertility and adoption journeys undoubtedly require patience!) We continued to talk and talk and by grace something clicked for Alice. Suddenly she saw everything so clearly. She had been feeling disempowered. She did crave empowerment! She shook her head and stared at me, stunned. This was a huge moment. Something significant had arisen - perhaps even life-changing.

But there’s more. . .

Step three: Let go of the story attached to the trigger. (And the emotion of the story will release, too.)

Perhaps you won’t believe me. Or won’t want to believe me. But this is the truth: those stories about your triggers? They are just stories. As soon as the incident is over it becomes a memory. A story. A story with no other purpose than to trigger you (into anger or rage again and again perhaps) OR it could be a story with no other purpose than to bring you an opportunity to learn and then to be let go altogether. Poof! Like smoke. You can actually be free of the triggering effect of the memory. (More on that soon.) But it is helpful to recognize a story AS a story. There’s no learning inherent in the story itself; the story’s only purpose is to trigger your consciousness into awakening.

Do you remember the scene from the Lion King when Rafiki whacks Simba over the head with his stick?

Simba: Going back means I’ll have to face my past. I’ve been running from it for so long.

Rafiki: (whacks Simba over the head with his stick)

Simba: Ah! Geez! What was that for?

Rafiki: Doesn’t matter! It’s in the past! (laughs)

Simba: Yeh, but it still hurts.

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it. (tries to whack Simba again, who ducks). Ah! You see?

So what are you going to do?

Step four: Believe and realize: You are always in choice.

Again, believe and realize: You are always in choice. I worded that statement a bit differently than “you always have a choice.” Having a choice implies some sort of conscious decision. And the truth is, most of the time our body responds - meaning our brain and hormones respond- immediately before any conscious choice can be made. So, there is actually a sort of process that one can go through in order to encounter moments that are unconscious triggers so that they don’t trigger you anymore. But in the meantime, it is important to realize that you are never helpless or a victim: even if it is on a subconscious level, you are IN choice (unless you choose to abnegate your authority to someone or something else, which still puts you in choice.) That leads us to the next step. And this one is key.

Step five: To make the unconscious choice become conscious- PAUSE.

As I said, shifting from an unconscious choice to a conscious one is an actual process. But it is a process you can engage with. And you can be successful in it. When all is said and done, those triggers will no longer be triggers and you will be a more joyful and whole version of yourself. In a rudimentary way, here’s how it works: you practice the Pause (shout out to Pema Chodron and Tibetan Buddhism for this one).

At first you’ll be triggered exactly the same as always. For example, you’ll blow off the handle and become angry or enraged when that other person pushes your buttons. You’ll say and do everything exactly the same until . . . LATER. Maybe hours or even days later you’ll recall: “Oh yeah, I wanted to learn this lesson and not get caught up in the story. I wanted to rise above the trigger. Shoot! I failed completely!” But you will have brought the unconscious response to the conscious mind. Good! Fabulous!

Step six: Do this again and again and again. . .

With repeated - I’ll use the word - opportunities to be triggered, that key moment of remembering will happen sooner and sooner until it will happen immediately after the incident (not days or hours afterward). And THEN, one magical day, it will happen DURING the trigger. For example, right in the middle of the argument you will remember, “Wait! I always respond this way. This DISEMPOWERED WAY. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to claim my power.” Something in who you are and how you respond to the situation will change. It will be significant. It will matter. All those moments of engaging with the PAUSE will matter.

Finally, a day will come when that usual trigger will be coming at you and you will catch yourself BEFORE your brain and hormones go into the usual response. You will remember: “Wait a minute! I don’t have to engage with this the same old way.” And you’ll rise above the disempowered self, so to speak, and respond right then and there from a New You, one who is empowered in her speech and in her being. You will surprise yourself and the one who had been triggering you.

This is a glorious moment. And such a moment will repeat itself here and there with greater and greater frequency until one day you realize: I am no longer disempowered by that person/circumstance or any others that used to disempower me. I am in my power! I am empowered.

You will have risen above it. Literally. (It’s a frequency/vibration thing.)

And then those types of triggers will stop. Glorious day! When you have learned your lesson well (in this case, the lesson of empowerment), the circumstances for these triggers won’t align to you anymore. They won’t be needed and they won’t happen. (I’ll qualify that a bit: they won’t happen MUCH.) But if/when they do, you will again have an opportunity to realize that you have come a long way and that you are no longer the YOU who became so triggered. It will be a sort of affirmation of your learning!

And even the memories of all the previous times you were wronged or victimized will be seen through a new lens. It’s not that they never happened; it is that their impact upon you has lifted and changed. They won’t hold power over you either. This is a gift.

Seeing through a different lens. Borneo, 2015.

Step seven: Look back and measure your growth.

Some people even get to a point that the lessons themselves become so enriching, so impactful, that the person feels gratitude for the lesson. In terms of surviving trauma this is sometimes called Post-traumatic Wisdom (Perry and Winfrey) or Post-traumatic growth (Church). Believe it or not, this is possible. Amazing and unbelievable, I know. But it is worth mentioning because we so rarely hear that even trauma can be transformed into something akin to growth or wisdom. This is a very hopeful thing!

If you are interested in a printable cheat sheet of this article, click the button here.

Printable Cheat Sheet

“Are you sure this is possible?”

How is it even possible to shake free of these triggers? Good question. Well, biologically, this sequence of steps is leading you to create new neural pathways. The old well-worn pathways are pretty entrenched. But that process of bringing something to your consciousness repeatedly (after, during, then before) actually is retraining the brain to engage in a new response. And a far more healthy and refreshing response, at that! Essentially, you are creating new neural pathways - like a new highway that makes the old one obsolete. Pretty cool. We can do that!

And because we are both physical beings and energy beings, there is something else transforming too. Simplifying here, as energy beings we are always singing in our own energy-created frequency. When we feel a “heavy vibe” it is because we are engaged in a denser field of vibration. When we feel “light as a feather” (joyful, happy) we are vibrating at a higher frequency where fear-based triggers simply don’t exist. (Think the Dalai Lama or Desmond Tutu in his later years). Certain things you resonate with and other things you don’t. With awareness and intention and practices such as the one described in this article, you can adjust your “default” mode and “dial up” your frequency, which is essentially your own personal song sung by the being itself. So, you’re literally “rising above” the trigger.

Sounds a bit crazy to some, I imagine, but you know it to be true. Just recall the difference between the “you” who spent quality time with a best friend who brought you joy or the “you” who engaged in a passion project where Time itself disappeared versus the “you” who trudged to a job you hated or walked through the door of an unhappy home. In each case you were singing a different song, weren’t you? I’ve experienced this too. We all have!

Life Cheat Sheets