Play to listen.
How to Use Parent Cheat Sheets and Coupons
Welcome back to “Adulting 101: A Gift from Your Parents” coupons. If you have missed prior posts, don’t be afraid to start at the beginning. This is a space designed to support parents who are transitioning their young adults out of the home and into the world. If that’s you, you are in the right place. What follows are tips and tricks for how to prepare for the lesson “When you Arrive” as well as access to a packet of printable coupons to share with your child.
First, download the coupons here. (Note that the QR Codes on the coupons will take you to this newsletter’s URL so you have easy access to your Parenting Cheat Sheets.)
Next, print them.
Next, gift them!
Now, prepare.
The Flow of the Sessions
This is a one-stop-shop cheat sheet to aid you as you guide your young adult through each session provided by the coupons. Generally speaking, each has a flow.
Your young adult hands you the coupon they wish to redeem, with (hopefully) 48 hours notice so you can be fully and completely attentive to the shared 45-minute-or-so session.
You agree on the time, date and place to meet.
You spend time preparing for the session by reading the associated post provided here!
You meet with your child, enjoying time together as you engage in conversation on the topic.
Cheat Sheet Tips
Tip 1: The power of questions. As a parent, I found that I had become so used to telling my child what to do, it was easy to forget to ask questions. But as our children grow into adults, it becomes more and more valuable to their sense of self and our relationship with them that we genuinely and sincerely inquire about what they think and why. Once I learned this tip and its power, I actually practiced it for a solid year. I spent a great majority of my interaction with my son Adam simply asking questions, listening, nodding, and asking follow up questions. This strategy provides the opportunity for your child to think about and articulate their own ideas, opinions, values and beliefs and feelings as they share them with you. You may be surprised, befuddled, pleased or disappointed. It matters not. In the non-judgmental listening that you do, you will be building a stronger, more trusting relationship with your young adult and they will be gaining self-understanding and self-assurance.
Carry your own backpack.
Tip 2: Your child is not you. This sounds obvious, but it is actually an important reminder. Too often we get attached to the idea that our child should be like us, think like us, act like us, and do what we did the way we have done it. They don’t. They won’t. They shouldn’t. In fact, as they grow older and more independent they will find and follow their own way far more than yours. Remind yourself it is okay. Remember your own story of growing up and how different you were or wanted to be from the generation raising you. And for today’s lesson, “When You Arrive” you can practice allowing your child to be who they are through observing how their responses are different from how you might respond to the same questions in the same situation. Lifting these expectations off of your child’s shoulders can be quite freeing for them and you.
Tip 3: Carry your own backpack. I once heard a very powerful story that has influenced my own life many times over. In the story a faithful person is climbing a mountain while wearing a backpack. The journey is difficult as the climb is at times quite steep. Along the way, the traveler encounters another who is struggling. She offers to carry the person’s backpack so that they can continue climbing. A bit later, she again encounters someone struggling. Again she offers to carry their backpack. Now she has three backpacks and the climb is steep and very difficult. She finds she just cannot go on. She stops and cries out, “God, I can’t go on. I cannot bear the load. Why did you give me more than I can bear?” Then she hears a response, “I gave you only one backpack. It is you who chose to carry the others.”
The point is that we each have our own backpack, our own climb, our own journey. Remind yourself that you have your life’s journey and they have their own life’s journey. If necessary, aid their transition out of the house and into adulting by differentiating the loads you carry. What belongs to you and what belongs to them?
Cheat sheet for “When you arrive” coupon
How do you imagine you will feel when you arrive?
Notice this is targeted at the feeling of arrival. Ask this question of your child then listen to the response. What follow-up questions may be helpful for your child to process their feelings about arrival? Which of your personal stories connect to these feelings? For example, if Adam expressed nervousness about the move, I might tell him about how nervous I was prior to going to college and then how at home I felt within days.
Realize that feelings change day to day and even moment to moment. Acknowledge how they feel now, but also help them to know that their feelings about leaving and arriving will fluctuate and that is normal and expected and okay.
Planning the To-do list for that first month
Ask your young adult: What is already on your “to do” list? What are you wondering about?
Ask: Are there certain items that you will need to purchase upon arrival? Then decide or clarify who will be responsible for paying for them and getting them.
If your child is settling into a new community, you may need to talk through things like finding a bank, a doctor, or a faith community. (These are things you will return to once you actually arrive unless they can be arranged ahead of time.)
If your child is going to be living on their own, then talking through the sorts of things that need to get set up such as cable, electric, apartment insurance may be useful. Who will be responsible for these bills and for paying them?
If your child is going to be living with others, for example in a dorm, encourage them to coordinate with their roommate about what to bring for the room.
Finishing Well
The planning you do together while discussing “when you arrive” can lessen the nerves and business of the arrival itself. (Sure, there will be much more than you never talked about, and that is fine.) So, as your session together is ending, consider asking “What are your biggest takeaways?” Listen attentively. Maybe paraphrase what you heard then gently add anything you wish to reinforce. Don’t forget to thank your child for spending time with you and redeeming a coupon. Perhaps encourage them to set up the next Adulting 101 date with you in the near future.
Up Next: Money Matters
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
If you like it, share it and subscribe!
Writer. Teacher. Gong Player.
Find more of my writing at GreenBaytoKorea.blogspot.com
Learn about my business at CelestialSoundGB.com
On Instagram @applebb09
All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2022 unless otherwise credited.