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In 2014, I listened to a podcast of Super Soul Sunday with Oprah in which her guest was a Buddhist nun named Pema Chödrön. Little did I know how grateful I would be. At the time I was struck by Chödrön’s authentic, accessible wisdom as she spoke about her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. I immediately bought and read the book. Since then I’ve reread this book as well as gifted it to others.
Having grown up in the Christian tradition for half of my life, I can honestly say I knew, and still know, very little about Buddhist teachings. (I didn’t even know there were Buddhist nuns!) However, much of the teaching resonates comfortably with my world view and support how I best experience being human. So if you are unfamiliar with Buddhism but curious, or if you are just plain weighed down by suffering, Pema Chödrön’s writings are a wonderful starting point.
In Chapter 11, Chödrön briefly recounts a bit of the story of the Buddha:
On the night on which he was to attain enlightenment, the Buddha sat under a tree. While he was sitting there, he was attacked by the forces of Mara. The story goes that they shot swords and arrows at him, and that their weapons turned into flowers.
What does this story mean? My understanding of it is that what we habitually regard as obstacles are not really our enemies, but rather our friends. What we call obstacles are really the way the world and our entire experience teach us where we’re stuck. . . (65)
Transforming obstacles from enemies to teachers is no small matter! Take a moment to consider how you view obstacles. What obstacles have crossed your path recently?
For each obstacle ask yourself which potential response best applies:
You are sucking the life out of me.
I wish you would just go away.
Here we go again. Whatever.
I know, I know. You are here to teach me something to help me grow.
For me n any given day, any and all of these statements could apply. But on my best days, the last one is where I hope to land.
Here are some take aways from this short passage and the Buddhist wisdom teachings they encompass:
Re-see/re-frame obstacles as teachers and therefore opportunities.
This takes committed practice and often includes removing yourself from the thick of the situation enough to take the 30,000 feet view. By panning out and slowing down, you can often use that distance and time to access the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain). Once you achieve that, see if you can open to the idea that your obstacle might be a cleverly disguised opportunity to get you unstuck and moving toward a more fulfilling experience of life.
Perception matters.
Whether or not you perceive an obstacle as an enemy matters. Such a response puts you in a position of fear and defensiveness. You close yourself or shutdown, don’t you? But perceiving the same obstacle as a potential opportunity to become unstuck opens you up. Fear is replaced with curiosity. Defensiveness with anticipation. That’s a very different experience of the same agitation.
Awareness matters.
How many times do obstacles arise? And how often do we simply react and blindly move on? Doing so, risks a life of perpetual misery. Like Buddha, we will be attacked by those arrows and swords. (Or, to use a Christian phrase, we will have a heavy cross to bear.) If we only react without ever becoming aware, we will never learn a thing (and we will likely re-encounter a similar misery in the future). To awaken is to first become aware of what’s stuck.
Soft-heartedness for our own stuckness matters.
One of the things I love about Chödrön’s teachings is how she reminds readers to be tender with themselves. We are our own best critics, aren’t we? It’s okay to be stuck. It’s okay to be reminded that it’s okay to be stuck. Give yourself a break. Consider what comforting words you might say to a good friend encountering the same obstacle.
Soft-heartnessness for others’ stuckness can result, too.
It’s a powerful thing to give yourself grace. Amazingly, such a practice can also open the door to empathize with others experiencing similar obstacles or stuckness. By giving yourself grace, you open the door to giving others grace; and that opens the door to a better world. And it doesn’t take much to realize we could sure use a better world.
In her book, Chödrön unpacks each of the four maras. For now, let’s just examine one of them.
Skandha mara: When the Rug is Pulled Out
The world sure could use a little love right now. Individuals and communities - even nations and the global community - are undeniably in upheaval these days. Without much effort one can see the impact of climate disruption and natural disasters, disease, violence, and conflict on the micro and macro scales. Uncertainty appears around every corner and at every doorstep in one form or another. That’s why tenderness for self and others is essential. Chödrön suggests a surprising way one could respond within the chaos and uncertainty:
Skandha mara is how we react when the rug is pulled out from under us. We feel that we have lost everything that’s good. We’ve been thrown out of the nest. We sail through space without a clue as to what’s going to happen next. We’re in no-man’s-land; we had it all together, working nicely, when suddenly the atomic bomb dropped and shattered our world into a million pieces. We don’t know what’s going to happen next or even where we are. Then we [want to] re-create ourselves. We [want to] return to the solid ground of our self-concept as quickly as possible.
…This process does not have to be considered an obstacle or a problem. Even though it feels like an arrow or a sword, if we use it as an opportunity to become aware of how we try to re-create ourselves over and over again, it turns into a flower. We can allow ourselves to be inquisitive or open about what has just happened and what will happen next. Instead of struggling to regain our concept of who we are, we can touch in to that mind of simply not knowing, which is basic wisdom mind. (68-69)
So much of this passage resonates with me. That sentence “We don’t know what’s going to happen next or even where we are” has been true many times in my life. Perhaps it is true right now for you or for people you care about. It times of uncertainty we quite predictably seek to “return to normal,” or as Chödrön put it, “re-create ourselves.” Until life is back to normal it feels out of whack and uncomfortable. Resistance seems justifiable. No one will blame you for feeling overwhelmed or angry when the bottom drops out.
But this isn’t even just about you. It’s about US. As humans we are awakening to a shattering world. At the very least, we don’t know what is going to happen next. Things aren’t "back to normal” nor might they ever be. If uncertainty is the new norm, the teachings on skandha mara might just be useful. How do we navigate a world of endless change?
The passage above evokes several useful personal questions:
Ask yourself: How could this sword be considered a flower? How would I react differently if I KNEW this were an opportunity?
Challenge yourself: What’s the 10,000 foot view?
Remind yourself: New growth means the old must pass away.
Challenge yourself: What if I could be curious right now instead of angry/reactionary/scared/etc.?
Remember this: Seek to be neutral in the face of Not knowing.
Tell yourself: It’s okay to not know right now.
Imagine yourself or our world as a flower blooming, petals opening up, beautiful, fragrant, and joyful.
This week use any or all of these prompts to encourage your own shift toward greater conscious awareness of who you are and how you navigate life’s obstacles. Allow or even invite this shift. And if you need a little extra support, borrow When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron from your local library. If you would rather listen, you can still find interviews between Oprah Winfrey and Pema on Super Soul Sunday for free on the internet.
May your burdens be light and your joy be abundant. May you walk courageously through uncertainty knowing all is unfolding as it should.
“Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”
Origin: unknown. Repeated by the Dalai Lama. Often attributed to Buddha.
Recommended Reading
Chödrön, Pema. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Shambhala, 2016.
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
Life Cheat Sheets
Riffs on Wisdom Teachings
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Author of Me Time: Self-care in a Challenging World. Available at https://www.bookemon.com/store/987322
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