What's your Question?
What's your Question?
Series: "Adulting 101 Coupons" (7 of 12)
How to Use Parent Cheat Sheets and Coupons
Welcome back to “Adulting 101: A Gift from Your Parents” coupons. Here I guide you through how to talk about one coupon for each week from you to your child as you prepare them for “the real world”. Preparing to share sheltered time to talk about real stuff if valuable and important. So settle into your favorite chair, silence your phone, take three deep breaths, and shelter 10 minutes of your time as we tackle “What’s Your Question?” together.
If you’ve not already found and printed the 12 coupons to give to your child, you can do that, too. Just download the coupons here or by clicking on the purple button “Free Coupons”. (Note that the QR Codes on the coupons will take you to this newsletter’s URL so you have easy access to your Parenting Cheat Sheets.)
Print them.
Gift them!
Prepare.
The Flow of the Lessons
Each lesson is intended to have an easy flow. It might go like this. If you have begun to use any of them, certainly follow your instinct for a good flow to the 45 minutes you spend with your transitioning young adult:
Your young adult hands you the coupon they wish to redeem, with (hopefully) 48 hours notice so you can be fully and completely attentive to the shared 45-minute-or-so session.
You agree on the time, date and place to meet.
You spend time preparing by reading or re-reading the associated post provided here!
You meet with your transitioning adult, enjoying time together as you discuss the chosen coupon’s focus.
Cheat Sheet Tips
Tip 1: Withholding judgment. This is an incredibly valuable skill for anyone to foster. It’s tough but the payoffs are enormous. How many times do we find ourselves shut down by someone else’s glib remark? How many times do we become angry or defensive because someone has judged us out loud (maybe even in front of others)? And have you even perceived judgment from someone without them even saying a word? Nothing shuts down effective communication quicker than judgment. I often find for me it means taking an extra two seconds before responding so that I can check what I am about to say. If it is something like “You’re wrong” or “That’s silly” or “You don’t mean that”, I can step back, detect the judgment, and rethink my response. “That’s interesting”, “How did you think of that?”, “How fun!” or “You seem very happy about that idea” may be better suited for the moment.
“Nothing shuts down effective communication quicker than judgment.”
Tip 2: Presuming positive intent. In a way, this is the flip side of withholding judgment. Sometimes our children (or other people in our lives) say things that could trigger a negative response. Again, a healthy pause can be the difference between a fruitful and open discussion and one that devolves into something else entirely. By presuming positive intent we are giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they are having a bad day. Perhaps the words just came out wrong. Perhaps what lies beneath the statement is valuable enough but the delivery could have been more sensitive.
Tip 3: Identify the underlying emotion. If you find yourself feeling judged, hurt, or put out in some way, see if you can at least name the emotion for yourself. How are you feeling exactly? Can you share that feeling with your child (now or even much later)? “When you said - - - , it made me feel like you didn’t value my help. Is that what you intended?” Likewise, identifying your child’s underlying emotion is very valuable too. As today’s lesson “What’s your Question?” invites your loved one to reveal their questions, realize they may be feeling vulnerable or worried about something. Often times anger, sarcasm and “attitude” are actually NOT what is happening beneath the surface. It may be simply a way to cope with some kind of fear or worry. Accurately recognizing fear or worry as an underlying emotion can more easily bring you to a place of compassion or empathy rather than mirroring back that anger, sarcasm or attitude.
Cheat Sheet for Coupon “What’s your Question?”
Fire away.
This is where you prove you are a good listener. Listen without judgement. No question is too simple. Even if a question seems silly to you, don’t laugh at the question, receive it fully, with seriousness and without surprise. Paraphrasing the question in your own words can help your child know they have been heard. Think about what follow-up questions may spring from theirs. See if you can determine the underlying emotion behind the question and name it. For example, Adam wondered about health care away from home. Would he have health care? What if he got sick or injured? I identified potential worry, “So you want to be sure you will still have health care. Yes, you will be under our policy, but we will also look into other options. It sounds like the possibility of getting injured worries you. Is that right? What kinds of things do you worry could happen?”
Getting and finding answers
This is where following up comes in. This is very important. If you can’t answer a question or two, determine who will find the answer, suggest how they might find it, and suggest a timeframe for its completion. Do realize certain questions might take perseverance, time and energy as well as creative thinking or problem-solving. This is not always easy.
Be open to the learning either or both of you may experience while getting answers. For example, I called a friend who could introduce me to the basics of Wisconsin’s healthcare system, Badgercare, and who directed me to their website. In turn, I passed that information along to Adam who signed up for Badgercare online as an independent adult. It took a few reminders and nudging for him to get it done, but within a few weeks of settling into his new home, he was set.
Finishing Well
Hopefully your time discussing “What’s your question?” will be time well spent connecting with your transitioning adult. Congratulate yourself for your efforts to communicate well - perhaps without judgment, presuming positive intent, and identifying underlying emotions. Perhaps suggest they recap the big ideas that emerged. Remember to finish the conversation well by thanking your young adult for their time. Tell them that you look forward to another conversation on another coupon - next week, next month, even a few days from now.