What if?
How to Use Parent Cheat Sheets and Coupons
You have arrived at “Adulting 101: A Gift from Your Parents” coupons. Here, in a series of 12 newsletters, I guide you through how to talk about one coupon for each week from you to your young adult as you prepare them for transitioning from a life at home to a life of independence. Today’s topic “What if?” is number 9 of 12. If you’ve not read the prior posts, be sure to circle back for helpful instruction on each of the coupons as well as different Cheat Sheet Tips that will guide your toward effective communication with your loved one. Why not consider this time of reading, reflection and preparation a bit of “me time”?
If you’ve not already found and printed the 12 coupons to give to your young adult, just download the coupons here or by clicking on the purple button “Free Coupons”. (Note that the QR Codes on the coupons will take you to this newsletter’s URL so you have easy access to your Parenting Cheat Sheets.). Remember to actually gift the coupons at any time - the more time the better.
Print them.
Gift them!
Prepare.
The Flow of the Lessons
Each lesson is intended to have an easy flow lasting about 45 minutes. It might go like this:
Your young adult hands you the coupon they wish to redeem, with (hopefully) 48 hours notice so you can be fully and completely attentive to the shared 45-minute-or-so session.
You both agree on the time, date and place to meet.
You spend time preparing by reading or re-reading the associated post provided on the website (brendabrayko.substack.com)
You meet with your transitioning adult, enjoying time together as you discuss the chosen coupon’s focus.
Cheat Sheet Tips
Tip 1: Don’t pretend to know something you don’t know. If you don’t know something, say so. It’s okay for your loved one to see your humanity. At the same time, you can model how to move forward when you run into a situation for which you don’t already have the answers. If it gets messy or frustrating, remind yourself and your young adult “That’s okay.”
This is the difference between recognizing pride in who someone is versus what they do.
Tip 2: Don’t gloss over difficult truths. Sometimes we think avoiding the truth will protect our children. But the truth is the truth is the best option. And tactfully delivered truth is even better.
Tip 3: Does your child know you are proud of them? Sure, I often show my oldest sons’ instagram to people because I am proud of the special effects makeup work that he does. But deeper than that, I am proud that he is expressing his passion and joy and creativity to the world. I am proud that he recognizes the value in being himself as he discovers who he is. This is the difference between recognizing pride in who someone is versus what they do. What about your child? What makes who they are so special? How can you express that to them? If the spoken word is difficult, try writing a note later this week.
Cheat Sheet for Coupon “What if?”
Imagining and grappling with the ‘What ifs’
You may wish to begin with “What are your ‘what if’s?” This, of course, is open ended. Be ready for anything. It is a question that opens the door to their greatest fears. If they are feeling safe and comfortable speaking with you, you could get some “what ifs” that surprise or even worry you. Prepare ahead of time by focusing on the emotion you want them to have when the conversation is finished. Loved? Safe? Confident? Capable? Okay with the unknown? Being Enough? Assured? Then help guide the discussion to that place, if you can.
“What if my apartment is broken into? What if I’m attacked?” In Adam’s case, he was worried about living in the US where the crime rate is higher than our home in Hong Kong and he anticipated feeling unsafe. He needed reassurance and some practical information about conceal and carry gun laws and statistics. We also provided the number for the police in his new area as well as spoke through a few “what if” scenarios. This seemed to help and also opened the door to future discussions on the topic.
Remember to calmly and non-judgmentally listen more than you talk. Many times your young adult has already thought through the “what ifs” and the possible paths or outcomes as they understand them. They may just need to think aloud or state those worries. Encouraging them to think aloud may provide opportunities for you to detect and correct misunderstandings or misinformation. Responding calmly and without judgment but with measured, serious responses is usually well-received. Then you can work through the path forward together.
Finishing Well
Hopefully your time discussing the “What ifs” will be time well spent connecting with your loved one. To finish well, perhaps not only thank your loved one for collecting on a coupon and spending time with you, but tell them how proud you are of who they are and how they are growing into an adult. If you need to double check if there are tasks yet to do from previous discussions, now would be a good time. Don’t forget to ask if they would like to redeem another coupon soon.