What I know: Online and Personal Address Books
What I know: Online and Personal Address Books
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly (5 of 10)
Get ready!
Can you name your dentist? Who schedules the cleanings? Do both you and your partner have access to his or her contact information? And do you know how to reach your partner’s grandma or best friend?
Welcome back to Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly. I am so grateful you have chosen to share vital information with your spouse or partner. What you accomplish today will make a huge difference in the future. In the first four articles we have covered the introduction and vital information including “Who I am,” “What I do,” and “What I know: Secrets to Logging in and Unlocking.” If you are joining now or have skipped any steps, I urge you to go back and read and engage in the previous sharing activities. You can access them through the archive. Every one of our ten “date nights” is crucial. Remember, there is an accompanying worksheet each time. Simply click on the purple button and make two copies. You are then ready to go. Be sure to save your information in a safe place which both of you can access and remember.
Last week we scratched the surface with gathering the information needed to allow your partner access to your devices. If they can’t get into your device, they can’t access emails, contacts, login information or passwords, pictures, music, and documents stored there. And that is a nightmare.
This date night we will dig down deeper as we cover sharing our online and personal address books. Plan for at least 30 minutes together today along with some homework.
Get set!
Print two copies of the worksheet by clicking on the purple button above (choice of Google doc or PDF). Grab your partner, a comfy spot on the couch and whatever else you need to dig deep. Very likely you will need your computer, phone or other devices with you. Also, if you have a physical address book, grab that. Get ready to either share the information on the worksheet today or make an agreement about how your partner would be able to access it in an emergency situation. My husband and I have both a lockbox at our bank and a filing cabinet with labeled files in our office where we store our most crucial information. This will limit where we would need to look to find key information should there ever be an emergency.
Go!
Let’s begin with real-life contact information. Be sure that you both have access to the basics: Names, addresses or company names and phone numbers for your doctors, dentist, lawyer, financial adviser, optometrist, places of work, phone company, cable, water, gas, electric, child care provider, home security company. You also need the names, addresses, emails and phone numbers for all parents, siblings, children, extended family, close friends and relatives.
If you are like us, my husband and I have mutual friends and exclusive friends. If I were suddenly very ill, would he know what friends to inform? Would he have access to their contact information? Note that much of this information will likely be quite unchanged over months or even years, unless they move. Therefore, if you have a printed address book that you share with your partner, that may be enough. In any case, discuss which friends and family should be informed immediately and how to reach them.
Now, let’s move on to the real tough stuff - online login and password information. Depending upon how organized you are, this may be as simple as providing access to a clear document which already holds all the updated login and password information in your life. I have such a document and it has at least 80 different entries. That’s 80 websites with usernames and passwords all associated with me. If my husband didn’t have access to them, he would have a very challenging road ahead to untangle that web! If you aren’t already organized, this could take quite a lot of time to create. Do it anyhow. And consider how you will keep your information safe from hackers.
Keep in mind that some accounts have two-step verification engaged. In my sister’s case, she shut off her deceased husband’s phone after a few months. However, because she hadn’t already accessed all of his accounts to move them into her name or shut them down, she got stuck at the step of two-step verification. She always hit a wall when the verification would be sent to a phone number that didn’t exist. I cannot stress this enough, for each account your spouse cannot access, he or she will encounter HOURS of long phone calls with a company and needless frustration, perhaps in the midst of great grief. Do this and do it now.
Take this time to discuss with your partner how they will have access to the most recent, up-to-date information at all times.
If the task is too long for your 30 minutes, then do commit to putting in the effort over the next week to create and share a clear internet address book and password log. It should contain the name of each company, their web address, your associated email, username, password, and perhaps security questions and answers. My addresses are organized under these larger categories: Entertainment, Social Media/Email, Work-related, Bank/Money/Buy or Sell, Medical, Utilities, Personal, Insurance, Investment, Travel. I also have some key online account information for my two children in case they forget or get locked out.
The next challenge is that we are continually adding more accounts or updating our passwords. We may also have different accounts associated with different email addresses. All of this is a mess waiting to happen. So, take this time to discuss with your partner how they will have access to the most recent, up-to-date information at all times. In my case, my husband and I have shared our internet address and password logbooks with each other. I also add an “as of” date so it is clear how old the password is.
Finally, some of this work may need to be homework. If so, agree upon a deadline to be all finished. Perhaps by next week’s “Deep Dive” date!
Tip 1: Create a positive mindset. As we wade into difficult, arduous and detailed sharing, it may be tempting to get frustrated easily. Before you even begin conversations like these, take a few deep breaths, get centered, give yourself some positive self-talk: “I can do this. I am capable. I am practicing patience / loving-kindness, etc.”
Tip 2: Even talking about the everyday administrative things in your marriage or partnership is an opportunity to become even closer. Literally sitting next to each other on a couch or loveseat, rather than in separate spots across the room, indicates an intent to do this together. Get close to be close.