What I know: Children and Dependents
What I know: Children and Dependents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly (6 of 10)
Get ready!
Do you have any dependents - someone you and your partner are responsible for? What sorts of responsibilities do you take care of most of the time? Executing the daily routine for your young child? Administering medication to your mother? Taking a family member for regular medical appointments? What if you were no longer able to do this. Are there aspects of caring for another that your partner needs to know? Read on as I encourage you to share what you know about children and other dependents.
Another week has passed and it is again time for a date night with your spouse or partner. I do hope you have appreciated the opportunities to share valuable, but often overlooked, vital information with one another in the previous weeks. This idea of singular knowledge about our children became clear to me not long ago when I got a phone call from my husband while he and our youngest son were at the DMV. “What is Alec’s Social Security Number,” he asked. Right. I had easy access to that information and he did not. What if I were suddenly no longer around to provide that, I wondered. What other things do I know that my husband does not?
Get set!
Invite your partner to spend about 30 minutes with you. Get comfortable together. Need a snack or a beverage or a candle to set the mood? Do it. Remember you are seeking focused, quality time together on an important topic. With your partner, agree who should be the subject of today’s time. If you have any children, that is a good place to start. In our case we have a 17-year old son living at home and a 20-year old son living elsewhere.
Gather pens and print one copy of the worksheet for each person you would like to focus upon so that you can gather and share information. You will need to have a safe place to retain this information that both partners know, as well. (The worksheets are available as Google documents and PDF files; just click the purple button to access the one you want.)
Imagine you were about to leave your young child with a good friend while you went on a long vacation. This is the information for you to discuss with your partner.
Go!
Those with Young Children
Imagine you were about to leave your young child with a good friend while you went on a long vacation. You would likely share certain information with them so that your child could safely continue living more or less without interruption. This is the information for you to discuss with your partner. For example, if only one of you is intimately involved with your child’s daily routine, share that. Or perhaps your partner needs to know the contact information for school attendance, the pediatrician, or other healthcare professionals. Do both of you know which vaccinations have been administered and when? What about your child’s allergies? Cover basics like these as well as where to find official copies of the birth certificate, passport, or social security number.
Those with Teens and Young Adults
For teens and young adults who have not yet been given control of their own official documents, be sure both partners know where to find that information (birth certificate, passport, social security number, medical records, etc). The primary care physician, therapist, dentist, etc. should be added to both guardians' contacts or address book. You may also wish to share information about clubs, sports and activities that involve you; for example, do you pay for violin lessons or summer camp? Share the necessary information.
Those with Adult Dependents
If you have a parent, grandparent or other elder or adult living with you, be ready to share vital information concerning their care. Things like daily, weekly and monthly routine, food preferences, medications, doctors and doctor appointments should be shared as appropriate. If you have access to their vital information, you may wish to share how to access that in an emergency. (If you do not, who does?)
A twist
In recent days I have had important discussions with my seventeen-year-old son and with my sister. In both cases, I had a bit of an epiphany, “What if something tragic happened to them? Who would know how to access their vital information, accounts, and wishes?” Here is another twist. Think about all of the vital information you have already shared with one another in the weeks leading up to this one. By now you should have the ability to access all devices, login names and passwords, key contacts, and important identification information about your spouse or partner. This is the same sort of information you should be considering about your teen or dependent (or any aging parent). How well-positioned are you if THEY were to become terribly ill, incapacitated or die suddenly? Use what you have learned already to begin gathering vital information from them. If they need to begin at the beginning as you did, please consider sharing Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Well with them.
Very likely there will be information left to gather after date night is completed. Consider it homework. Share the load! Set a deadline to finish unfinished business. Remember, the more you know now, the less frustration awaits a potential future.
Communication Tips
Tip 1: This is a collaborative effort. How good are you and your partner at collaborating? Effective collaboration often occurs when both parties feel valued and valuable as well as appreciated for what they contribute. Give verbal encouragement to your partner so that they know they are valued. If a task is too big or too confusing for one of you to tackle it, do it together. For example, my husband and I often read and fill out government or medical forms together as we have greater success and fewer headaches that way.
Tip 2: It also helps if each partner can contribute in at least one area of strength. For example, I know that I am more comfortable making business phone calls than my husband. So I might volunteer to do that task. Be sure to talk through what tasks you can do, have time to do, and would like to do. Then be appreciative of everything your partner indicates he or she can take care of.
Tip 3: Follow up if so important! Help each other to remember to follow up on anything that takes time to gather. Sometimes a task gets started, interrupted, and never finished. If you have an organizational method that works for you, wonderful! If not, I suggest making a list or calendar of tasks and keeping notes on the steps taken and their final completion. If both are contributing, then also include who is doing the task. It might look like this:
