What I do
What I do
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly (3 of 10)
Get Ready!
Welcome back to Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly, the second series in Life Cheat Sheets. I trust your first date night for “Who I am” produced a bit of valuable communication and data collection of both you and your partner. Did you put the results somewhere you both can find them and have easy access? A week has already passed and here we are for the second step “What I do”.
Face it. If you have been with your spouse or partner for any real length of time, you have settled into a bit of a routine. In our case, my husband tends to take care of exterior home maintenance like mowing and snow blowing and grass trimming or putting up Christmas lights, whereas I tend to take more care of interior things like household chores or toilet repairs and cooking. Things are humming along pretty well with the division of labor, but if for some reason he were no longer able to take care of his “part”, I would be hard pressed to know all the tasks he has been doing to keep our household running. And even if I knew all the tasks, would I know how to do them?
This week’s date night will venture into the everyday home upkeep and maintenance as well as vehicle maintenance and repair.
Get set!
Grab your partner and a notepad or print two copies of the worksheet linked to the purple button. Find a comfy place to sit and talk together. Are there other elements needed to make this both valuable and enjoyable? A glass of wine? Music? Go for it. Plan to spend about 30 minutes together (as well as some additional time on homework). Remember, your goal is first to find out what you don’t even know that you don’t know. The next goal is to share those important things that you realize only you know. Doing this now may save a lot of headache later. When the day comes that one of you can’t do them, the other partner will have the know-how and the skills needed to take over.
If you have gotten into a habit of jumping to conclusions when your partner asks you questions, it may take some intentional self-talk to reset your thinking.
Tip 1: Be curious. With a little extra curiosity, time, and openness you can both learn a lot. How does your partner create that perfect lasagna? Where are the smoke alarms and all those batteries kept?
Tip 2: Presume positive intent. When your partner asks questions your attitude will make all the difference in the world. By presuming positive intent - that they truly want to know - rather than presuming judgement, you will both benefit. If you have gotten into a habit of jumping to conclusions when your partner asks you questions, it may take some intentional self-talk to reset your thinking. “They may just be curious rather than nosey. It’s possible. I will choose to assume that is the case.”
Tip 3: Build your communication muscle on the easy stuff. Today’s conversation is likely quite easy. But that may not always be the case. We are going to be taking a deep dive in later weeks, which means some of the material may be emotionally charged or difficult to approach. So build your communication muscle now; don’t skimp or rush it. Enjoy following a thread of ideas and idea exchanges. For example, we took the opportunity to discuss a few of the tasks that we would prefer to share versus always be responsible for. In our case, I suggested my husband cook a little more often and clean the bathroom, too.
Go!
Individually take time to list your contributions to keeping the household running each day, month, season or year. Especially consider those things that really ONLY you do and which your partner may struggle with if all alone. Also, really take time to remember those hidden tasks. Include household chores and interior and exterior home maintenance and vehicle care.
Share your lists. Write notes. Which items are the most crucial for your partner to understand sooner than later? Which items could be shared or taught over the next weeks or months? Make note of any specific locations of items or resources that you may forget. Be sure to keep your notes on file with the other worksheets from this series.
Be sure to discuss how and when to teach each other what you know.
Finally, do your homework!