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New Year. New You.
Happy New Year! Have you heard the phrase: “New Year - New You!” An optimism of re-creating the You you have always wanted to be seems to bubble up with the emergence of January 1st. Sometimes we long for a different future self or future circumstances. We set goals or new year’s resolutions, dream of greater happiness or love in our lives, wish we had more security or a job we loved. But often enough, we soon settle into being the same old self doing the same old things with the same old results.
So this week I’ve been exploring and researching what conditions do or don’t create a different future self. (I think about this for myself and those I love.) I am exploring this topic through Buddhist teachings of Pema Chodron’s book When Things Fall Apart and the scientific lens of Dr. Joe Dispenza on a series called Rewired.
Sandbox
With both sons home for a stretch here, I’m having plenty of time to observe, remember, and reflect on what it is to be young and starting a life of one’s own. Somehow in those late teens-early twenties one can naturally experience opportunities for a new future self.
Our youngest is enrolled in university which means his room and board and education are set before him like a well-planned meal. He’s home for a few weeks but knows where he will be going and what he will be doing when he returns. While he is definitely figuring out what his passions are and what paths forward interest and excite him, there will be routines and resources set in motion. He’s settling into a knew known.
On the other hand, our oldest son is home on a reset and therefore starting from scratch. He already knows his passion and what he wants to do for a career, but he now needs to figure out many things: where to live, what school is a good fit, how to make and save money to again live on his own (as his schooling will not involve an option of dorm life and prepared meals). There are many unknowns which feels mighty uncomfortable for him (and his parents).
What makes it possible to create a brand new future me and what are the roadblocks?
Observing these realms of going forward into the known and the unknown has provided a sort of sandbox this week. My two children are having very different experiences, and I am trying to learn along with them. What makes it possible to create a brand new future me and what are the roadblocks?
“Today, I begin!”
You have probably heard the advice that goes something like this: In order to create a desired change, visualize yourself doing that thing, experiencing that desire and every morning wake up with that vision in mind. Jean-Pierre de Caussade put it this way: “Every day you must say to yourself, ‘Today, I am going to begin!’” You then embrace the new you even before the new you has materialized. Poppy cock, right?
Think again. In his series Rewired, Dr. Joe Dispenza shares the scientific findings for why we get so stuck and how to get unstuck. It turns out visualizing or imagining a future self you desire actually matters! Of course this all presumes that there are things about yourself you are “working on” changing. Maybe you’d like to be less judgmental, less materialistic, or more positive, more open. Maybe you still haven’t found the career of your dreams or you’re sick of just scraping by. Maybe your relationships always seem to dead end at the same spot in the same way.
Whatever it is, when there’s change to be made it just seems so hard to actually make it happen and stick. Of course life circumstances can thrust change upon us. (Do you remember that pandemic thing?) But when it is solely up to us - no outside forces, disaster or crisis toppling our house of cards - face it, it’s tough to become a “new you.” As a matter of fact, by the time you are 35 the you you are is pretty much set in its ways and set in its personality (Dispenza).
Same thoughts => Same feelings; same feelings => same thoughts.
Cause and Effect
It turns out that for the most part we are creating a known future from our known past, resulting in a life that seems very much the same from day to day. As humans our brains like to fire and wire into known patterns. We create our own programming, so to speak. And because of this we find ourselves thinking the same thoughts (90% of the time!) and responding with the same feelings. And our bodies enjoy the homeostasis of the known; they like being on automatic pilot. And so we replicate the same day and the same person over and over.
Here’s an easy example from my life: I grew up having dessert at the conclusion of every supper. My brain trained my body’s chemistry to want dessert and it trained my feelings (hormone cocktail) to be satisfied only after having dessert, so as soon as I try to break that habit my brain, body, and emotions all say, “No way! I want what I want when I want it!” And so, in the future I continue to eat my dessert just like I did in the past. My present self becomes a victim of my past self. You can apply this principle to pretty much anything, including relationships, careers, thought patterns, and personality traits. It’s the cause and effect model. It results in us being a victim of our bodies, environment, and time (known past/expected future) (Dispenza). We end up telling ourselves, “Screw it. I can’t change.”
Fear’s Influence
Wisdom traditions have essentially said the same thing; your reality is created from the thoughts you think. Strangely enough, according to Chödrön, it is a fear of death that can often keep you replicating the old you. That idea of stasis, being stuck or static is rooted in an underlying need for safety and security which Buddhists call yama mara. This is one of four types of obstacles (or yamas) that feeds on our fear of death, manifesting itself by strangling or rejecting anything fresh or new that would wish to arise. (Lock the door, a bad guy might attack. Don’t leave this community, that community seems too dangerous. Don’t go out in the rain, you could “catch your death.”) As Chödrön puts it: Fear of Death is actually Fear of Life. And from the awakened point of view to live is “to be willing to die over and over again.” It is true, isn’t it? To live life fully is to experience the death of something over and over. The new can only arise at the cost of the old (Selig).
It’s no wonder, then, that the new habit it takes to permanently lose those extra pounds is quite difficult indeed. Then how much more difficult is it to decide to pursue a lifelong dream that might require leaving a job or a community or a comfortable life already in motion? (Even a not-so-comfortable life!) And how much more challenging to be more positive or loving with that person who triggers you. Unless we are willing to die to ourselves we cannot be born anew.
Cause AN Effect
New feelings create new possibilities and plant us squarely in the unknown present where real change occurs.
Perhaps surprisingly, science is discovering what wisdom traditions have already known. There IS a way to become a new future you but it means subscribing to a new model: Cause AN Effect. In a way this is what happens when disaster strikes, suddenly we are forced to change our thinking. Our new circumstances generate new thoughts which means new paths are continually fired and wired in our brains, overriding and rewriting old programs. New thoughts create new feelings. New feelings create new possibilities and plant us squarely in the unknown present where real change occurs.
But we don’t have to wait for disaster to strike to rewire and change. It boils down to becoming aware of the thoughts you think and allowing for discomfort as you redirect them. Interrupt the automatic programming and you are on your way. According to Dispenza:
Recognize that just because you think a thought doesn’t make it true. (Write that on your mirror!)
Practice awareness of your thoughts. (Meta-cognition: you’re doing it right now!)
Practice grounding in the present moment. (Studies show meditation, yoga, works well for this.)
Repeatedly plant new thoughts (“Today, I begin” or “Behold, I make all things new.” )
New thoughts allow for new choices;
new choices lead to new actions and behaviors. (Difficult but possible.)
which lead to new experiences and new feelings.
Result: A NEW state of Being
Taking a few moments every morning upon waking to visualize the new you or simply to sit in the generous, present moment sets you on your way.
So believe it or not, your daily intentions matter; your moment by moment perceptions of reality matter; your thoughts matter; becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable matters. These actually contribute to your body’s biology and chemistry changing until you experience a new you. Taking a few moments every morning upon waking to visualize the new you or simply to sit in the generous, present moment sets you on your way. Recognize when your body wants to put on the breaks and see if you can sit with the uncomfortable moments. You can build from there!
Today
Truth be told, every moment is indeed a new one. The old moment is gone and a new arrives, like it or not. Allowing ourselves to die a thousand deaths, to not believe every thought we think, to see ourselves and our world differently, to place ourselves in this moment and to choose every single day “Today, I begin!” are some of the keys to that “New Year, New You,” if that’s what you are looking for.
What does it mean for me? Well, as I examine my family dynamics and the relationships within it, I know there is room for growth. If there is a better version of me still to emerge, then I need to learn this lesson in life school: I do not have to be a victim of cause and effect; I can cause an effect. Gratefully, I have my family and a strong support network to help me through the challenges. And so. . .
Today, I begin! Today, I make all things new.
References
Chödrön, Pema. When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times. Thorsons, 2017.
Dispenza, Joe. Rewired: with Dr. Joe Dispenza. Gaia. Gaia.com.
Selig, Paul. Resurrection. St. Martin’s Essentials, 2022.
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
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Writer. Gong Player. Teacher.
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All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2023 unless otherwise credited.