Play to Listen.
About the time I turned fifty, I got pretty excited about resetting my life in preparation for my second half of life. But at the time, I didn’t even have that terminology! The phrase really hit home, though, when I read it in Falling Upward: A spirituality for the two halves of life by Richard Rohr. That year I must have recommended it to almost everyone I knew that was my age or older. I simply love the wisdom in this book. Richard Rohr is a Franciscan Priest and a mystic who has written several books and is the founder of Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC).
Falling Upward explains how in the first half of life we build our vessel (education, career, family) and in the second half of life we “have a container strong enough to hold the contents of our real life, which is always filled with contradictions and adventures and immense challenges.” In his chapter “Stumbling Over the Stumbling Stones” Rohr writes:
Sooner or later, if you are on any classic “spiritual schedule,” some event, person, death, idea, or relationship will enter your life that you simply cannot deal with, using your present skill set, your acquired knowledge or your strong will power. Spiritually speaking, you will be, you must be, led to the edge of your own private resources. At that point you will stumble over a necessary stumbling stone, as Isaiah calls it; or to state it in our language here, you will and you must “lose” at something. This is the only way Life-Fate-God-Grace-Mystery can get you to change, let go of your egocentric preoccupations, and go on the further and larger journey. I wish I could say this was not true, but it is darn near absolute in the spiritual literature of the world. (Chapter 5, pp. 65-66)
Can you identify any stumbling stones in your life? At what points have you been led to the edge of your own private resources? Or stretched so much that you couldn’t see a way forward? How did you respond?
Building the Vessel
In my first half of life, I often, but not always, felt in control. I knew that if I worked hard at my job, I could count on another contract for the next year. So I worked hard, gained repute, embedded myself in the fabric of my place of employment - a Catholic private high school - for seventeen years. I knew that if I put energy into creating community, I could build a welcoming work environment. So I mentored incoming teachers and student teachers, took positions of leadership in my school, and started a Friday gathering called POETS.
After significant challenges, the vessel I built felt secure by the time my husband Brent and I had added two adopted children to the mix. Those were the years! Memories of that time now bring to mind play dates, playgrounds, bubble blowing, and lots of giggling. We used to arrange game nights with our friends beginning after the kids were in bed. Everyone would sneak in so quietly with their snacks to share, and the volume would gradually climb as the evening progressed. Life was pretty magical with family and friends and work humming in the background. My gaze was most often outward and on the challenges and joys of living in a material world.
How did you build your vessel? What influenced its structure and stability? Were you able to build a strong, secure vessel or were there disruptions?
It seems every time I thought I had something figured out, a new, more complex challenge would arise. But it all made sense too: adapting to married life was more complicated than being single. But life as a partner was far less complicated than life as a parent. Somehow this seemed right and natural. The first half of life stuff consumed most hours of my days.
Led to the Edge
Thanks to Richard Rohr’s writing, I now know it was quite natural that these early years would fade and seemingly insurmountable challenges would take their place. I’m so glad he clarified this for me! What a weight off the shoulders when I realized, ”It’s not just me!” Nope, if you have reached your edge, you are not alone. You have been led here to go farther, experience life more deeply, and to be invited on your inward journey.
For me the second half of life (and inward journey) officially accelerated when I declared my upcoming 50th year on the planet as the “Year of Brenda.” I had this feeling I would live to the age of 100 and 50 would mark the half-way point. So, I decided the best thing I could do for myself was to use the year as a pause and a reset. I boldly declared I would reset my mind, body, and spirit.
Little did I know I had just invited a bunch of challenge and chaos my way! In the months just following that declaration (some six years ago), I developed frozen shoulder, my oldest son ended up in the ER twice, and I needed to take emergency family leave for the first weeks of the school year. At the time, I felt like my big plans for a reset were being delayed; the truth is, they had begun in FORCE and in ways I didn’t want and couldn’t have imagined. Life was hard then. Very hard. As Richard Rohr puts it, I was “led to the edge of my own private resources.”
To me words like “helpless,” “hopeless,” “lost,” “depleted,” and “confused” probably capture my edge moments. I definitely couldn’t handle life by myself with my own skill set, acquired knowledge or will power. Thankfully, my frozen shoulder led me straight to Alice Y. an acupuncturist and physiotherapist, who quickly became my spiritual mentor. Alice literally taught me a new way of seeing the world and myself. In addition, I began reading and reading and journaling my discoveries as I traveled inward. I stepped fully into the role of seeker. And many of the voices of wisdom I anticipate this series will draw from came to my attention during the Year of Brenda.
When have you been led to the edge? How did it teach you? How did it challenge your will, strength, and skills?
Not Alone
It was the Year of Brenda that became the undeniable force of change that propelled me to go deeper than I ever could have or would have on my own. Somehow I needed to have my vessel securely built first. Once that was ready, I stepped over that edge. Writing a weekly article for Life Cheat Sheets since Aug. 2021 is, in some part, the fruit of that transformative inward journey. I couldn’t have done it alone. As a matter of fact, Rohr suggests that we need elders and mentors to lead the way through the second half of life, or we might never even enter it - staying in our egocentric self for our entire lives. Alice and Rohr are two of my mentors on the journey.
Do you already have a mentor or two to guide you? If not, I suggest you ask “Life-Fate-God-Grace-Mystery” to send you one.
If you are interested in more from Richard Rohr, I suggest his Daily Meditation (subscribe at CAC.org) or any of his other books including: Immortal Diamond or The Universal Christ.
May your vessel be strong and your journey unfold with ease and grace. May your mentors find you, help you, and encourage you as you grow.
Recommended Reading
Rohr, Richard. Falling Upward: A spirituality for the two halves of life. SPCK, 2011.
Reference
Center for Action and Contemplation. CAC.org
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
Life Cheat Sheets
Riffs on Wisdom Teachings
If you like it, share it and subscribe!
Writer. Gong Player. Teacher.
Find more of my writing at GreenBaytoKorea.blogspot.com
Learn about my business at CelestialSoundGB.com
On Instagram @applebb09
All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2023 unless otherwise credited.
The other side of the crevasse is not visually clear on a complete career switch, but I am hopeful. There definitely have been some very trying times and 911 and 2009 crash affected so many of us.