Here we go again
Lessons in Life School (Lesson 3)
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Here we Go Again
“Here we go again!” How often do you find yourself thinking or saying these words. Often they are accompanied by a tone - that impatient, disgusted, incredulous tone. And whatever the situation that precipitated these words, you would probably rather not be in it.
As you can probably guess, my most recent lesson in Life School has been catalyzed by these four words: Here we go again. In recent days and weeks the empty nest that I was getting used to transformed back into a full nest. And a full nest means that certain family dynamics are suddenly back in play. I don’t need to go into the details - anyone who has been in a family understands the far range of family dynamics one encounters in that very fertile ground!
Nonetheless LIVING such family dynamics provides the context for my lesson in Life School. The whole idea of “here we go again” somehow implies a circular thing. We are back to where we started. Right?
Spirals
Maybe. I realized that maybe this wasn’t a circle at all. Maybe it was more of a spiral. In a spiral one doesn’t actually end up where they have been at all. Shells are spiral in nature. Galaxies spiral. Water spirals down a drain. Spirals are beautiful, creative, even generative. Spirals are three dimensional. When one is caught in a spiral you might be moving inward or upward, but you are never “back where you started.”
At first glance the movie Groundhog’s Day seems to be exploring this dynamic of “here we go again.” In it, Paul (Bill Murray) finds himself caught in a loop reliving Groundhog’s Day in a small town that he loathes. Every morning the alarm wakes him to the tune of Sonny and Cher’s song “I got you babe.” The character of Paul is in fact reliving the same day over and over - a never-ending circle. The same people approach him with the same needs and questions. The groundhog always sees his shadow. The snowstorm is always there to shut down the highway which would take him home to the big city. He’s just going in circles, right?
Wrong.
In fact, Paul is entirely aware that he is reliving the day. As day after day unfold he begins to see and experience the community differently. He begins to form relationships, even friendships. For example, over the course of months, Paul’s indifference to the local homeless man turns to compassion. He demonstrates over and over that he is shifting from cynical and selfish to generous and loving. It turned out he wasn’t simply circling on a single plane of existence; he was spiraling toward a better version of himself. He made progress each day until he escaped the pattern all together. Once he finds love and can love another, Paul wakes to a brand new day - literally.
A few steps
And this is the clue to my lesson: identifying the pattern. “Here we go again!” doesn’t have to result in frustration. What if it is the signal of a pattern that deserves another look? Shift that phrase from “Here we go again” to “Here it is again. Why?” A bit of curiosity goes a long way. Curiosity opens us up to learning and growth. So, in the case of the family dynamics at play I can do just that:
Recognize a pattern in play.
Identify the pattern.
Wonder what the pattern is indicating.
Then begin to unpack the learning opportunity.
Am I responding in certain ways for certain reasons? Could I respond differently? Is my automatic response coming from love or fear? Am I trying to control or empower?
Only through working through and learning from it will I come to a point where I am set free from the pattern. In fact, I have a few friends who are going through this process of healing and growth through a form a therapy called Family Constellations. It is a “methodology to free yourself from the damaging repetitive patterns, behaviors and emotions that are limiting your life in some way today that you have unconsciously taken on from your family system” (Hellinger Institute).
Until recently I hadn’t really thought about associating such “here we go again” moments with circles OR spirals. I was only annoyed by the moments. But once I realized I was engaging a pattern, I became curious. What would that pattern look like? A circle? A spiral? And what could understanding this pattern illuminate for me? What was my opportunity for growth?
I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet. Trust me! But at least now I am AWARE. And awareness and a willingness to learn and grow are half the battle. Do you have those “Here we go again” moments, too? Do you recognize the pattern unfolding? What is it telling you? What opportunity for learning and growth is presenting itself?
Yes, circles, too.
In a conversation about this topic with friends, I wondered aloud. Are we, in fact, always spiraling and never circling? And a wise woman in the group said, “No, I think there are times when we circle. We just aren’t ready for growth yet. So, we can say, “No thank you.” But the gift is that whatever it is will come back again, so we have another opportunity to decide, “Yes, I will learn this time.” I’d never really thought of that. A gift?
You learn something every day.
Hindsight
Perhaps it is only with a bit of distance between yourself and a pattern that you can clearly see if you were circling or spiraling. And perhaps it is only with some distance that you can identify what you were learning all along.
If you want to seriously dig deeper into family dynamics and its patterns, look for a Family Constellation practitioner to guide you through it. If you are fascinated with the spirals in your life and others, look for the Full Spirals podcast with Stacy Parish, an acquaintance of mine and amazing human being.
References
Hellinger Institute. Unleash Your Soul with Marina Toledo. “What is Family Constellations?” <https://www.hellingerinstitute.com/what-is-family-constellations> 2022.
Parish, Stacy. Full Spirals Podcast. 2022.
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
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All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2022 unless otherwise credited.