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How perfect it is to be writing Riffs on Wisdom Teachings the days after Father’s Day. Along with my mother, my father lives within minutes of me for the first time in decades. On Father’s Day, it was a joy and a privilege to spend a bit of Father’s Day in his company, as well as that of my mother and my husband.
I am truly blessed to say that my father (who most often goes by Dave) is a great person of intelligence and integrity. In no way do I take for granted either that he is a good father or that he is still in my life. His wisdom has been at times spoken but mostly modeled. My wish for you, dear reader, is that you will become another beneficiary of four aspects Dave’s wisdom.
This too shall pass
Back in the 70’s and early 80’s I often heard these words: “This too shall pass.” Much like these days, making a fair wage for hard work was a challenge. The economy was tight, interest rates were high, the churches that employed him didn’t pay a lot (nor do they now). In those days dad was working long hours being the best pastor he could be. Because the phone could ring at any moment with someone in crisis, his was a stressful and demanding 24/7 job. But he soldiered on. Each time he uttered “this too shall pass” he pulled himself up and took another step forward. Dad was teaching me that challenges arise but won’t last forever. Dad was showing me perseverance in action. Dad was magnifying the fleeting nature of things.
“This too shall pass” was not an original phrase. According to Wikipedia, the saying is believed to be based on a very ancient Persian Sufi adage. It reflects on the temporary nature of the human condition — that neither the bad, nor good, moments in life ever last indefinitely. “Nor the good” adds a layer of depth and complexity that I didn’t recognize when I was young but that I have come to believe in quite strongly. Don’t hold onto a moment too tightly; allow it to arise, endure it or enjoy it, then let it go. Ultimately, “this too shall pass” leads toward gratitude. It seems my father’s wisdom had laid the foundation for living in the moment and living in gratitude, both concepts I have written about at length in Life Cheat Sheets.
The best thing you can do for your children. . .
As a pastor, Dad was automatically also a marriage counselor. Even with minimal training, I believe he had good instincts for counseling others. That’s why in my growing up years I often heard him spout this wisdom (forgive me if I am paraphrasing): The best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother (or father). Not surprisingly, he also uttered these words to his future son-in-law on our wedding day as we prepared to tie the knot.
To Dad these weren’t just words; they were lived and breathed. My parents made (and make) a concerted effort to maintain a healthy, loving marriage. They set that example for my sister and me. I’m sure on some level these words shaped my expectation for finding a partner; I wanted to find someone for whom these words could ring true. (And I did; we will be celebrating 30 years in a few weeks!)
I’m grateful to be living out this adage because I have learned how beneficial having a strong marital relationship has been as a parent, but I also have high respect and regard for anyone raising children without a loving partner beside them. Let’s face it, parenting can be the hardest and most rewarding endeavor of your life.
Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.
Henry David Thoreau
. . . Now I’m experiencing old age.
Now well into his 80’s, Dad’s body isn’t what it used to be. Over a decade ago Dad survived cancer, but it managed to do its damage before taking its leave. The man who played horsey in the living room with girls on his back and then later felled trees on a hillside in his 70’s, moves pretty slowly and with assistance these days. And that is hard! The vigor and vitality of the mind just doesn’t match the aches and capacity of the body.
That’s why I appreciate Dad’s most recent wisdom (although he might not call it wisdom as much as an acquiescence to Life). Again, I’m paraphrasing:
When I was a youth I experienced what it was to be young. When I was middle-aged, I experienced middle-age. Now I’m experiencing old age.
Life keeps coming, doesn’t it? The ups and downs. The ease and the difficulty. Youth and age. Being alone and being in partnership. Feeling connected and disconnected. We have the opportunity to experience so many different aspects of what it is to be human, if we only allow it to be what it is. So often we live in resistance: why me? why this? why now? It’s easy to become bitter, angry or depressed when circumstances change or become difficult. And the challenges that arise from old age aren’t going to go away. They are there for the long haul. So I appreciate and applaud Dad’s conscious stance on this stage of life and the example he sets for me.
In all things - Honesty.
Finally, I would have to say honesty and integrity have been the cornerstone of my father’s and mother’s parenting. They both modeled and expected honesty. In a day and age where lies make the headlines with head-spinning rampancy, to meet and know an honest man and call him Dad is an amazing gift. I’ve come to believe that honesty is the gateway to trust and true connection in a relationship - any relationship. Do you agree? Choose honesty and you make your little piece of the world a better place.
It’s not easy to do or everyone would do it. Being honest in your business dealings, your citizenship, and your relationships takes energy and effort. Being honest with yourself can be a lifetime undertaking. Being consistent and tactful in your honesty is even more challenging.
Thanks to my parents, I’m a big believer in the power of honesty. Where there is distrust, you build trust through consistent honesty and integrity. Where this is disconnection, you build connection through your own honesty and integrity. Where there is brokenness, wounds, or addictions, honestly seeing it as it is can begin the process to healing and wholeness.
May we all courageously choose honesty to the benefit of all.
Roots
What a joy to spend time reflecting on the roots of who I am and how I walk through this world. Both of my parents created a safe and loving place for young Brenda to learn, grow and explore the world. Decades later I can only appreciate the wisdom teachings that have grown such strong roots in me. As a final tribute to my father near Father’s Day, I leave you with a birthday gift I wrote some years ago and a hope that Dad’s wisdom has left a little mark upon your heart as it has upon mine.
My Father in Me
When I walk through a woods, feel the wonder of it, notice the bees and smell the flowers
When I puzzle it or pack it perfectly so that not a square inch goes unused
When I build a fire with paper, twigs, sticks and logs to look like a tee-pee
When I write a verse of poetry or a daily diary or re-visit those beloved memories
That’s my father in me.
When I sit at the dinner table, fold hands and pray a prayer of thanksgiving
When I fix it, rig it, jig it, disassemble it then re-assemble it or say “get the Phillips”
When I walk a mile or two or three, or stretch to sky then earth, or test my strength
When I choose honesty, teach it to my children, and set honesty as a pillar of being
That’s my father in me.
When I sing in church or in a choir or belt the “Hallelujah Chorus” with full heart
When I notice the first dust of snow or spring robin or prank my kids on April Fools Day
When I hold my spouse’s hand in public or lovingly commit and recommit life to him
When I listen to friend or stranger or spouse and speak with a discerning, empathetic heart
That’s my father in me.
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
Life Cheat Sheets
Riffs on Wisdom Teachings
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Author of Me Time: Self-care in a Challenging World. Available at https://www.bookemon.com/store/987322
Find more of my writing at GreenBaytoKorea.blogspot.com
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All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2023 unless otherwise credited.
Thanks for the column, especially the poem, which I will use as a model for my Creative Writing kids. I have one my son wrote, a catalog poem, entitled "When Was There Time to Tell Him?" that I use as a model. Thanks!
This touched me very deeply. I know Dave thorough his beautiful daughter, this lovely piece of writing and omg, he is a great man indeed.