CU!
How to Use Parent Cheat Sheets and Coupons
Your child will be leaving home before you know it! How time does fly. If you are like me and have a high school senior in your house, soon you will be waving them off to start their new, independent life. How can you make this time joyous and seamless for you both? Thank you for returning to “Adulting 101: A Gift from Your Parents” coupons. Here, in a series of 12 newsletters, I guide you through how to talk about one coupon for each week from you to your young adult as you prepare them for transitioning from a life at home to a life away from home. Today’s topic “CU!” is number 10 of 12. If you’ve not read the prior posts, you may wish to circle back for helpful instruction on each of the coupons as well as different Cheat Sheet Tips that will guide your toward effective communication with your loved one.
If you’ve not already found and printed the 12 coupons to give to your young adult, just download the coupons here or by clicking on the purple button “Free Coupons”. (Note that the QR Codes on the coupons will take you to this newsletter’s URL so you have easy access to your Parenting Cheat Sheets.). Remember to actually gift the coupons at any time - the more time the better.
Print them.
Gift them!
Prepare.
The Flow of the Lessons
Each lesson is intended to have an easy flow lasting about 45 minutes. It might go like this:
Your young adult hands you the coupon they wish to redeem, with (hopefully) 48 hours notice so you can be fully and completely attentive to the shared 45-minute-or-so session.
You both agree on the time, date and place to meet.
You spend time preparing by reading or re-reading the associated post provided on the website (brendabrayko.substack.com)
You meet with your transitioning adult, enjoying time together as you discuss the chosen coupon’s focus.
Cheat Sheet Tips
Tip 1: As parents we have so much to say. . . so much advice to give. And here we are with precious one-to-one moments with our child having a real conversation. Wonderful! It’s easy to think now is the time to impart all of my wisdom, but actually, you may find it more beneficial to hold back, let the conversation unfold as your child wishes it to. Follow their lead. Practice listening so that you don’t dominate the conversation but simply go along the flow of it. Chances are the opportunity will arise for you to insert that gem of wisdom. And if not today, then another one. Or if you simply MUST say it, do so as the conversation is closing.
It’s easy to think now is the time to impart all of my wisdom, but actually, you may find it more beneficial to hold back, let the conversation unfold as your child wishes it to.
Tip 2: Four dangerous words: “I think you should.” As humans we all have some resistance when someone tells us what we “should” do. As tempting as it is to say those four dangerous words: “I think you should”, make a concerted effort to resist the urge. There is a reason for that inherent resistance. Ultimately, each child, each person needs to make their own decisions about what they do or don’t do. And, to be honest, if those decisions are coming from THEM - their own mind or heart or gut - their own choice - they are likely better off in the long run. Part of living a fulfilling life comes from trusting yourself and your own instincts. As parents one way we nurture this growth is by avoiding mandates or “shoulds” when speaking to our emergent adults.
Tip 3: Listen to your best Inner Self as you respond. As parents and humans we all have our own Knowing (with a capital K). Those moments when you don’t need to ask anyone else for advice or help - you just KNOW. Or those moments when you had a gut feeling and ignored it only to later say to yourself, “Why didn’t I follow my gut, my instinct? I would have been better off!” Your inner Self, that which is the truest You, often whispers quietly. If we simply listen, we will hear. By allowing, expecting, and being attentive to your Inner Self (or Higher Self, if you prefer) you will find over time that your parent-child conversations naturally strengthen and flow. Notice, too, how this tip is in a way simply the B-side of tip 2; your child has their own Inner Self who is honored when you refrain from “shoulds”.
Cheat Sheet for Coupon “CU!”
Planning and imagining closure
Ask questions of your child to find out what is important to them prior to leaving home. What do they need to bring closure? Work together for these ideas to enter your plans in the final months, weeks, or days. As you can see in the poem below, my 15-year-old self needed to write a poem about leaving and starting anew in order to process a move from one city to another.
Poem by Brenda Brayko, Copyright 1982.
Who, what, where to say good-byes
This may be something you do together or your child completes alone. But do suggest they take time to say goodbye to significant people AND places and even things that they may miss once they leave home and/or the community. Saying goodbye one last time to that favorite restaurant or hike or gym, for example, can be quite cathartic. Obviously, they may need time to say goodbye to friends, family and family pets. Try to be proactive enough that the goodbyes aren’t rushed.
Celebrations
Having a child leave home will undoubtedly be busy, frenzied, or stressful. It may be too easy to forget to celebrate your child, their accomplishments, and their future. See if this is something you both are interested in and then plan accordingly. In my case, my parents arranged one final sleep-over for me and my girlfriends before I moved away from LaCrosse at age 15. The girls had going away presents prepared and we stayed up all night talking, laughing, and reminiscing. This celebration of our 8 years together was critical in bringing closure to my life there. In Adam’s case, his graduation day was a day of celebration and remembrance with family and friends.
Finishing Well
Hopefully your time discussing the “CU!” will be time well spent connecting with your loved one. The title of the coupon “CU!” implies that there is an intimacy and lightness to the notion of moving on. This is the feeling I wished to pass to my son - that moving on would be a joyous, not scary or overwhelming thing and that we would still be deeply connected. Be intentional about how you wish this discussion to feel for both you and your child by the time you are finished so that you can land it well.