Cheat Sheet On Motherhood
Life Cheat Sheets: Mother's Day Edition (7 of 7)
Here are thousands of meals, she said,
and here is clothing and a good education.
And here is your lanyard, I replied,
which I made with a little help from a counselor.
Play to listen.
Billy Collins, two time US poet laureate, includes these perfect lines in his classic dry witted poem, “The Lanyard.” I used to use this poem every time I introduced poetry to seniors in AP Literature. He humorously captures the juxtaposition of a mother’s commitment through thousands of daily loving acts with that of a child offering a one-time gift of a poorly constructed lanyard. In it the speaker concludes that the true confession is that at the time he thought that such a “useless, worthless thing” made them “even.”
Watch this entertaining reading by the author (3 min):
Anyone who has a loving mother figure in their life knows that there is never any “making it even.” Perhaps that’s the point. There’s a special sort of gift in receiving love from someone who gives so generously. Such a love isn’t a commodity at all; rather, it is a glimpse of the divine in action.
At fifty-six I am in the unique position to live in the same city as my own mother for the first time since I was eighteen years old. It’s a seismic shift of sorts. By now we are both different people than way back then, which means our relationship is different too. It feels good to return her motherly loving kindness through my own adult actions. (No more lanyards!) Each box lifted, moved, packed or unpacked carries with it a gratitude and love for a woman who has wholeheartedly embraced the role of mother for many decades now.
I suppose we gain our greatest appreciation for someone else’s efforts when we find ourselves stepping into their shoes - in this case, the shoes of motherhood. I stepped into that role just over nineteen years ago, and I have to say, it’s been both a thrilling and an exhausting ride! Ultimately, you are challenged to find out what you are really made of: how much can you love? how much can you give? how much patience do you have? how much joy are you truly capable of? how big is your cup, really? in what ways can you be stretched and changed?
I am blessed and grateful to say I have a great mom. I know not everyone does (or did). I can’t imagine taking on the role of mother myself without having had a great example in my life to work from. So, for those who would like a reminder or a window into the world of motherhood/mother figure-hood not just through your child’s first years but over the course of decades here’s a cheat sheet for you.
Fill your cup first.
Slow down enough to appreciate the million little moments.
Be consistent.
Be flexible.
Your child is not you.
Choose to laugh.
They grow you up.
Love anyway.
Fill your cup first.
I know. I know. Fill your cup first sounds mighty selfish for a role in a family famous for its selflessness. Yet, it’s not too difficult to reason that if mom is running on empty, everything else will go downhill pretty quickly. As a primary caregiver, give give giving your energy all day long, you gotta take care of you. Giving is not sustainable unless you also receive. Of course each person is different; what replenishes your energy could be anything from date night to alone time in the woods to reading a book to a sweaty workout. Anything goes. The thing is to discover what fills you and then actually engage in it. #1 rule: Find a way to take good care of yourself.
For more on this see my 11-part series Me-Time: Self-Care in the Time of Covid beginning with (link) “The Birth of Me-Time.” All articles are available in the archives found on my website brendabrayko.substack.com.
Slow down enough to appreciate the million little moments.
The first part of that sentence was “slow down enough.” This implies that being full on is pretty much the name of the game as a mom. The second part of that statement is about appreciation of the little moments. Surely you easily recognize the big moments: birthday parties, confirmation day, prom, graduation, wedding, baby shower etc. But in between are those millions of other moments. Slow down enough to appreciate the subtle beauty in the chaotic breakfast before school, or the drive home from a practice, or a goodbye as your loved one hits the road. Just pause for a moment - listen, feel, smell, taste the inherent uniqueness of a moment - here now and gone so soon. I know that my mom loved to capture many, many moments on film and video!
Be consistent.
Anyone who has read any sort of parenting advice has heard this consistently. (smile) Consistency in your expectations when children are little matters. Consistency in listening as they grow older matters. Consistency in respecting their choices as the years continue to unfold matters. Like any advice worth its salt, this is far easier said than done. Why, when children are wee ones you don’t even know what your expectations are, so how can you be consistent? And you have so much good advice and fixing to do as they grow older, how could you possible listen consistently? And then, when they are making crazy life decisions how could you consistently respect those? It’s nearly impossible. But you’ve gotta try.
Thank goodness, the next tip is also true.
Be flexible.
Life isn’t life until you run into its paradoxes. Yup. This appears to contradict the previous tip, but that’s okay. For the moment let’s just allow that both consistency and flexibility are possible and useful. As children grow up, tt takes an evolved mom (or parent of any kind) to change curfew and bedtime and what is and isn’t allowed to happen in the home. One day a sleep over is out of the question, then it suddenly becomes a great idea. One day your adult offspring can be secure in their job/career, the next they might need to or want to alter course. Children of all ages are wired to stretch their parents’ understanding of the world, so being flexible is key to your healthy growth and sanity.
I know my parents had to put up with my wanderlust - first galavanting off to Paris at 22 (with a little help from them) and then a few decades later leaving the country all together with their grandkids in tow.
Your child is not you.
This is a hard fact, so let that settle in. As much as your child might look like you and even inherit some of your mannerisms, they are still not you. So don’t be surprised if their life choices veer from yours (or the hopes you might have had FOR them). When all is said and done, the relationship you create with one another is central - not that they wear their hair or clothes a specific way, or have a certain grades, schooling, job or partner, or even gender. Their choice of values or politics might veer far from yours. It’s okay. They are finding their own way and having their own experience of Life, just as you are. Provide support as you can and learn to let them discover and be who they are to the best of your ability.
(For more on this tip see article “When You Arrive” from my Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from Your Parents series.)
Choose to laugh.
When I was growing up, my mother would often say about some mishap, “You either gotta laugh or cry.” Sometimes outrageous, crazy stuff happens - stuff that can take you down if you let it; this is the moment you could choose to laugh instead. Let’s take the simple scenario: Your baby just had projectile diarrhea all over their bedroom during a diaper change. (This actually happened to us some 19 years ago.) You gotta laugh or cry, right? Yes, it’s a big old mess that will take time and courage to clean up. But it’s going to make for a great story someday. You could choose to laugh. And I believe we did! Or, take the more complicated scenario where you are attempting to move your child from one country to another and everything that could possibly go wrong on the trip DOES go wrong, including missing your connecting flight. Now, you could go into complete meltdown. Or not. You could choose to let it happen. Allow. Look for the laughable. And admit that it will make a great tale to tell when the sting of the overwhelming stress wears off.
Of course this notion of choosing to laugh is bigger still. It also encompasses the sheer joy of a moment. That moment you are with your family and they do something or say something that is so perfect or so disarming or simply so funny that you can do nothing but laugh. Those are the best moments, right? And how healthy it is to laugh as often as you can.
They grow you up.
Each challenge that you face as a parent (and there are many) can simply aggravate you or it can stretch you productively. With a little awareness that you are mutually growing each other up, you can learn a lot in the role of mother. All the questioning, pushing, disagreements, challenges, arguments and debates push you to shape a clearer picture of who you are and what you value. As the decades unfold it is likely every one of your beliefs and values could be tested. Each weakness can be exposed to the light. Ultimately this can break you or refine you. You choose.
Love anyway.
There’s no guarantee that everything will be perfect or peachy and that’s okay too. Plenty of moms and dads have kids with lifelong challenges: physical challenges, disabilities, mental illness, estrangement, eating disorders, cancer, and more. As a mother of two adopted children (one of whom is also transgender), I can tell you this 24-year road has been filled with monumental challenges! It’s one of the reasons I’m especially grateful to my own mother. She continues to be flexible, supportive, and loving - no matter what.
At the center of motherhood is the call to love. And like anything else, even love itself is both simple and complex. When the sun is shining and your little one is blowing bubbles and giggling it can be easy to swell with love. But when the going gets tough, choose to love STILL and to LOVE ANYWAY.
A Note For Rising Empty Nesters
For moms or dads preparing to launch a child from the nest, I have a ten-part series just for you available in the archives of Life Cheat Sheets (brendabrayko.substack.com). Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from Your Parents, a helpful, fun and engaging series, targets parents who are transitioning a young adult from their home to living independently. Each article and its corresponding coupon helps parents engage in topic-driven conversations with their young adult while addressing the questions: What do I need to talk about? How do I talk about it? How can I effectively communicate it?
The helpful coupons take this parenting resource from the page into action. Like prompts, these unique coupons cover ten different topics: hopes and dreams, before you go, when you arrive, money matters, the day to day, what’s your question, finding a support team, what if, hopes and dreams revisited, and open-ended.
Once a child redeems a coupon, this article offers “cheat sheets'' to guide and enhance their conversation with their son or daughter on that topic. Throughout each article I share compelling personal anecdotes and expert resources.
Additionally each article comes with three helpful tips on fostering both intimacy and dialogue. Tips range from how to effectively connect with your young adult through your attention, focus, and mindset, to how to use both your intellect and intuition to improve communication.
While this material is available through Life Cheat Sheets right now, I am also working on publishing an expanded version in the future to be available for purchase. I hope you will be interested in a copy when the time comes!
To all the mothers and mother-figures out there, Happy Mother’s Day! You got this!
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
Lessons in Life School
Life Cheat Sheets
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All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2023 unless otherwise credited.
I was blessed to have a wonderful mother and grandmothers who also embodied much of what you are talking about. I’ve also seen firsthand what an amazing mom you are, Brenda!