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How to Use Parent Cheat Sheets and Coupons
Welcome back! I am so delighted you’ve decided to gift your young adult with “Adulting 101: A Gift from Your Parents” coupons. You are on your way to transitioning your young adult out of the home and into the world. What follows are tips and tricks for how to prepare for the lesson “Before you Go” as well as access to printable coupons.
First, if you have not already done so, download the coupons here. (Note that the QR Codes on the coupons will take you to this newsletter’s URL so you have easy access to your Parenting Cheat Sheets.)
Next, print them.
Next, gift them!
Now, prepare.
The Flow of the Lessons
Your greatest success will come with a bit of planning before you meet with you child. This is a cheat sheet to guide you and your child toward gracefully unfolding a conversation around today’s topic. The flow is something like this:
Your young adult hands you the coupon they wish to redeem, with (hopefully) 48 hours notice so you can be fully and completely attentive to the shared 45-minute-or-so session.
You agree on the time, date and place to meet.
You spend time preparing for the session by reading the associated post provided here!
You meet with your transitioning adult, enjoying time together as you teach the chosen session.
Cheat Sheet Tips
Tip 1: Practice paraphrasing what you hear. We all know this, but it isn’t always easy to DO it. Listening to someone, truly listening is an active, engaged activity that takes a lot of focused energy. It is easy to drift off into our own internal dialogue. A beneficial tip for everyone in the discussion is simply paraphrasing. If you’re not in the habit of paraphrasing, try this: “What I am hearing is that you. . .” OR “It sounds like what you are saying is . . .” then sum up the speaker’s point in your own words. Believe me, if you get it wrong, they will let you know! But if you get it right, they will know they have been heard and you will be successfully communicating. And don’t get frustrated with yourself or your child if you’ve missed the mark; simply ask them to restate their point or, if necessary, move on.
Recently, my youngest son Alec was quite nervous the first morning before going to a new school to begin his senior year. I kept trying to paraphrase what he was saying but somehow kept digging myself in deeper - I just couldn’t say anything right! Finally, I said, “I guess we’re just not communicating very well today. I’m sorry.” He settled down a bit and we proceeded with the morning. Later I realized there was little chance of a successful conversation simply because he was too nervous in that moment. I realized there was no reason for blame or frustration.
Tip 2: Practice non-reactivity. This tip is one of the most helpful I can give for any time, any place. How easy it is to react, over-react, or poorly-react. Even our excitement can be misconstrued as parents. But somehow, active listening combined with a simple nod of the head communicating “I hear you. I see you” or a “mmm hmm” is enough to keep them talking and processing on their own.
Sometimes our reactivity gets in the way, derails, or even escalates an emotionally volatile moment. When my oldest was in middle school I first began to understand the power of this trick of non-reactivity. At the time it seemed every interaction we had became very dramatic and emotionally charged. I finally realized that those were Adam’s emotions, but not mine. By inserting a little self-talk “Stay calm. Don’t engage. Don’t react,” I found that his emotions settled. Eventually, our conversations became conversations again instead of huge dramas. By the time he was getting ready to leave home, I had become quite good at the practice of non-reactivity. Now he uses that same strategy when talking with friends who are apt to escalate a situation.
Tip 3: Whatever you do, don’t look at them. I know this sounds silly. But it works. Think about some of the most enjoyable conversations you have had with your child. We you sitting at their bedside with the lights off? Were they in the back seat of the car and you in the front? Were you going for a walk? Believe it or not, sitting at the dinner table may not be the best way to engage in a real, heart to heart conversation. In my experience, not looking at each other actually can lead to the most productive discussions. So when Adam suggested we go for a walk while discussing an Adulting 101 coupon, I was happy to say yes.
What setting and situations work best for you? Where have you been and what were you doing at the time? Throwing a ball? Playing frisbee? Walking? Eating ice cream at a park? Plan together how and where to engage in your Adulting 101 conversation. And remember, don’t look at them. :)
Cheat Sheet for Coupon “Before you Go”
Planning what to do and how to do it
Consider building a RAFT together. R.A.F.T. is an acronym for “Reconciliation,” “Affirmation,” ”Farewell,” and “Think next destination.” David C. Pollack developed this as a way to leave a place well. If your child is leaving their community behind, then assisting them with a healthy way to say goodbye to people and places can be paramount. Reconciling with others rather than leaving a broken relationship still broken can be key to the health of future relationships. Affirming friendships and important relationships with teachers, neighbors, and those you are leaving behind, by writing a letter of gratitude makes both parties feel good, for example. Saying farewell to your friend group, hugs and all, can bring a sense of closure to an era ending while researching and dreaming about the next place and stage of life can bring excitement and joy but also nervousness or even anxiety. Prior to this discussion with your son or daughter, I suggest doing a bit of research on how to build a RAFT. This will aid your discussion.
“What can come off their plate?”
Those final two months or so.
Daily life will keep grinding away, so prompt your child to think through how and when to make room for reconciliations, affirmations, farewells, etc? How do they envision the final two months before leaving home? What is on their “to do” list? Is there anything that they need your help with?
Keeping the RAFT idea in mind, you can suggest creating a calendar of events which honors all the work ahead. Plan the parties or the final dinners out with friends. If your son or daughter is creative, for example, they may wish to write a handwritten note or create a painting or a poem for a few special people. That takes time. In Adam’s case, he had three very important adults in his life that he wanted to create artwork for as a final farewell. He had already planned for it and didn’t need my help in creating affirmations.
Put the focus on the final few months before they go. For many, this may mean June - August as they may leave for school in August or September. Helping your child realize the importance of planning how and when to take care of all of the things involved in a transition in those final months may smooth out the journey.
Does anything need to come off their plate? So many things to DO will mean much is being added to the “plate.” But what can come off their plate to make room for these transitioning things?
Finishing Well
By active listening and intentional planning your young adult can move more gracefully into the transition ahead. Before they go, ask them to capture the biggest take-aways from the conversation. When they are finished, add anything you wish to bring your time together to a close. Be sure to thank them for their time and encourage them to collect on another coupon in the future. (For the record, NOW is a good time to look them in the eye.)
Are you finding these Cheat Sheets helpful? If so, please share with your friends or family, the school’s parent organization, or your student’s counselor so that others may benefit as well.
Up Next: “When you Arrive”
You can find all of my series in the archives:
Adulting 101 Coupons: A Gift from your Parents
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly
Me-Time: Self-care in the time of Covid
Reasons for Hope
From Fog to Flow
With a Grateful Heart
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Writer. Teacher. Gong Player.
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All photos by © Brenda Brayko 2022 unless otherwise credited.