At the End: Final Disposition
Partnering 101: A Deep Dive into Leaving Kindly (8 of 10)
Get Ready!
Many years ago, when I was a senior in college and just one month away from graduation, a terrible tragedy struck. One of my best friends and roommates of four years died shortly after a horrific car accident. In the time between her death and her burial, my friends and I found she had written in her journal her wishes in the case of her death. She wanted to be cremated. Unfortunately, her mother had the legal right to make decisions and paid no heed to our vital information. She chose to bury her daughter instead. This incident has stuck with me for decades. Choosing your “final disposition,” as I have since learned it is called, is not something most people wish to think about nor to discuss, but it is precisely what we must discuss with our partners if we are to have the kind of funeral we wish for while also leaving kindly.
Choosing your “final disposition,” as I have since learned it is called, is not something most people wish to think about nor to discuss, but it is precisely what we must discuss with our partners if we are to have the kind of funeral we wish for while also leaving kindly.
Just a few years ago my mother-in-law died of cancer. Because she was aware she was dying, she pre-arranged everything at the funeral home with the funeral director. This made the actual funeral preparations quite easy and her husband was very grateful.
These decisions can be difficult to make for ourselves when we are alive. Think about how much more difficult it would be for your loved one to be making these decisions quickly while in the midst of grief and without you to consult. We all know death will come. And we are smart enough to know that we don’t know exactly when that will be. Why not take the time now to make some decisions which could be quite helpful to your partner down the road?
So make that date with your partner. Thirty minutes should do it. Get comfortable. And get ready to share your ideas.
Get Set!
Print the worksheet. Use it to guide the kinds of decisions you will be making concerning your final disposition. Make notes now. Then complete the worksheet after you talk with your partner (aka: do your homework).
What kind of arrangements you would prefer?
Cremation? Burial? Some other option like donating your body to science?
Caskets can be rented if you want to have a visitation or a service and then be cremated.
Where would you wish to be laid? A specific city? Cemetery? Mausoleum? Forest for final resting place where your ashes feed a tree?
What about the service itself? For example, I have written down specific poems and readings as well as songs I would like included in my funeral.
How about the cost? What funds can or should be used to pay for it?
Do you wish to write your own obituary? Or are there particulars about your life that you would like to have included in an obituary?
What would you want on your stone? What kind of design?
What else comes to mind related to your final disposition?
Go!
Share your ideas with your partner. Then share or record any of the important information on the worksheet. Store it safely with the other vital information you are collecting. Be sure both partners have access to the information and know how to find it if or when it is needed.
Additionally, I would suggest working with an estate planner who can add your final disposition to your will or trust. You can always update the document as needed.
Communication Tips
Tip 1: Talking about death can be very difficult, especially if it triggers emotional responses from previous encounters with death. Commit to sharing your feelings honestly with your partner if you are triggered by the topic. Ask for their support.
Tip 2: Share stories. I find that every time I talk about death, what first comes to mind is the loss of my roommate when I was 22. Her death transformed my life forever. I like to share stories about her and my memories of her. I often share stories of her death and the days that immediately followed. It helps me to process both the past and the present.
Tip 3: If you aren’t feeling triggered by discussing death, your partner may be. Think about how you can be the most supportive. Is it a touch? A nodding head? A hug? A word of comfort? Or the space to put the conversation on hold? Is it asking questions about their deceased loved one? Work with your partner to wade into these potentially difficult waters in a way that is loving and supportive.